Somehow the title came to my mind when I decided I should post something. I haven't felt so morose in many days and definitely the feeling is...unbearable. Thinking that there is someone else perhaps feeling worse off than me because of me does not really help either. Relevance of the title...yes I am undeserving as a man, but to my Lord, I feel ever more undeserving in these situations. I need no one now, but you my Lord.

Somehow I wonder whether I'm insensitive as a person, and I remember while plowing through Francisco de Vitoria's treatise during the International Political Theory in Semester 1 I came through the word call 'insensate' meaning retarded or lack of wit. I guess its somewhat different, but I pride myself in dealing in relationship issues with a calm and rational mind. I think that bcause I have gone through so much unhappiness and disappointment in my life, I can steel myself and react accordingly. Adaptability and ability to manage failure and disappointment are my greatest assets, simply due to the fact that I have failed so many times. Nonetheless, I might have perpetuated more failure in attempting to promulgate such ideas to others, my loved ones for example. When things goes wrong, I look at it with a calm mind, steel my resolve and manage my emotions. Lord, tell me whether it is a good thing or a bad thing? Are emotions are baggage of the fall of Man? After all, if Adam had not eaten the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil he would not have known right or wrong, and perhaps emotions since he was eternally supplied with no cause to grumble or worry. Yet at this moment it makes me feel like I'm taking things too easily, unfeeling, leaving all of the unknown and inability to the hands of my Lord. I place all my trust in Him to make it work, and I even appreciated His forgiveness when I said stuff like "although I'm praying about it, so far it does not seem to work." He who is almighty and omniscient, who am I to question Your works, moreover a finished one?

Tell me, anyone who can, who can I do, but to continue trusting in my Lord and His finished work? His blessings, his bonds that will tie us hearts to hearts? Love it when Denise questioned the idea of understanding. Who understands who? Understand what? Mutual understanding or implicit one-way communication? How do we understand? For what are we trying to understand? So many questions, yet I have always just talked loosely about understanding. I guess its really just me, bring up a big concept, an ideal, and trust God that it will work out. Now, at this moment, I still believe it will.

I, declare myself as the most undeserving, and as the most I look the my Lord to love me the most. Through Your love I pray that I can see true love and what it is about. How I can love like my Lord, and how people around can love everyone like my Lord. Eventually, we are God's children. Its all about the Lord, and I seek only to continually glorify His name all the days of my life. Through living bravely and proudly all my days. Through sheer dependence on His blessings, His provisions and His finished work.